


Red

by Anonymous



Category: Sorted (Website) RPF
Genre: BDSM, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Safeword Use, Writing on the Body
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:35:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29733981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It feels like too much. He just needs to push through this bit and it will be okay. Soon they will be done and it will be over and he can relax and they will stroke his hair and tell him he did well and it will almost feel true.Ben struggles with deciding to safeword during a scene with James and Mike.
Relationships: Background OT5 - Relationship, James Currie/Ben Ebbrell/Mike Huttlestone
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23
Collections: Anonymous





	Red

**Author's Note:**

> A WORD OF CAUTION: This involves Ben becoming distressed during a scene and safewording. His safeword is respected, but he hesitates for a while before calling red, and he also has some pretty negative and unhelpful thoughts/beliefs about himself during this. Please be careful reading this if it is likely to upset you.

He’s going to be sick. He can’t. He just needs to push through this bit and it will be okay. Soon they will be done and it will be over and he can relax and they will stroke his hair and tell him he did well and it will almost feel true.

He doesn’t think he can make it. Ben exhales, trying to slow his breath, calm himself.

He wasn’t expecting this. He thought it would be easy, when they asked him. Writing on him with markers – it seems so ridiculous to be bothered by that after everything he has let them do to him, after everything he has loved them doing to him.

A week ago he was on his knees with Barry and Mike taking turns slapping him and demanding that he beg them to fuck him. It hurt, and was humiliating and the way they laughed and mocked his efforts brought him to the point of tears. But somehow, the more it went on, the more genuine his pleading was, the more he leaned into the slaps, chasing the sensation of their hands against his face. Once he started genuinely sobbing, overwhelmed, the mocking stopped and they started praising him, telling them what a good boy he’d been for them and they were so gentle when they finally fucked him, it felt so good to be surrounded by them, filled completely.

This isn’t like that. Instead of feeling that heady mix of embarrassment and arousal he feels nauseated, like he wants to scratch his skin off and go and curl up into a ball somewhere and hide away from their eyes and their touch and their words and it isn’t right, this isn’t how he feels around them and he doesn’t understand it.

He’s with Mike and James today, and had been looking forward to this, he thought he would enjoy it. It started well.

They had circled him, fully dressed, as he knelt naked on the floor, discussing where they might like to start. Mike sharp tongued and mean, James amused and superior. His heart was racing with a familiar mix of unease and arousal.

When they ordered him to hands and knees before Mike wrote ‘spank me’ across his arse, teasingly slow, he found himself biting back a moan of desire. Of course, Mike insisted that they had to obey their own instructions, and they took turns.

Ben could feel himself beginning to relax into the sensation, the intensity of each blow allowing his focus to narrow to the sensation of warmth, the anticipation of waiting for the next strike, the satisfaction of holding still and taking it like they wanted.

Soon enough they tired of turning his cheeks red though, keen to see what else they might write. Mike coaxed him to standing so that he could ‘see the whole canvas’. He felt the first warning spasm of panic then, he thinks, but it was so easily dismissed when he could tell how much they were enjoying this.

It wasn’t anything they hadn’t said before. He’s lost count of the number of times Mike has called him a slut, why should it feel different when it’s written on his stomach? It does though, somehow seeing it written, feeling the sensation of the marker as it glides over his flesh, it feels like the words sink into his skin, to his bones. It’s irrational – these are washable markers. He is being ridiculous.

Mike is taking the lead today, James seemingly content to hang back and act primarily as his attentive audience, pitching in to hold Ben in just the right pose for Mike to playfully add to the increasing number of scrawled insults and descriptors, occasionally adding an amused comment or running his hands over Mike’s words.

It feels like too much. Not in the usual way where the embarrassment and arousal builds until he thinks he can’t take it, but then it reaches a peak and can surrender to it – to the sensation, or to cathartic tears, and just let himself float. This is more like he trapped under the water and weighted down by his own thoughts, unable to surface. When they make him look at himself in the mirror it takes Ben everything he has not to push them away and hide his face. He can’t, this is awful. He should tell them.

Their words feel like knives, but they should be able to speak to him however they want, it's not their fault he is weak and stupid and not enough.

They'll all be so upset. Last time things got too much he didn't tell them to stop and when he couldn't stop himself from dropping, they were so stricken. He thought Jamie was going to cry. He doesn't want to hurt them them like that again. It's not their fault he's not strong enough, he wants so badly to be strong enough for them, good enough.

He just needs to get through this, but he feels like he wants to scratch his skin off. He takes a breath and tries to steady himself, tries to will himself into the right headspace before they notice. He’s gone soft, arousal fled, and surely soon they will notice.

It helps that neither of them can see his face right now. Mike is behind him, writing across the base of his spine (a tramp stamp, Mike had mockingly said before starting to write). James is standing in front of Ben but is looking over his shoulder, presumably watching Mike. James has one hand on Ben’s shoulder stroking idly, the other casually resting on Ben’s hip, and usually Ben would find the touch reassuring, grounding, but right now he’s barely aware of the contact. He can only feel the nauseating sensation of the tip of the marker against his skin.

He needs to tell them before they notice, before he panics and makes a fool of himself. Mike has told him when he finishes writing he is going to make Ben guess what he has written and he can’t, he just…

He promised James he would do his best to tell them if things were too much. After last time he got overwhelmed and didn’t say anything, James was so serious about it, looking at him gravely, with such concern. He promised he’d try.

They’ll be upset either way, at least this way he’s obeying.

Mike has stopped writing while he has been caught up in his thoughts. They are speaking to him, he thinks but he can’t make out the words. It’s like everything is going in and out of focus.

He takes a breath in. He tries to speak, his mouth moves but no sounds comes out. It feels like there is something sharp in his throat. He tries again. “Red”.

There is a moment of stillness, and then guilt and fear crash over him like a wave. He shouldn’t have done that, he shouldn’t, he can’t, he’s such a bad sub, they will be so angry.

Someone breathes in sharply. He curls in on himself. They are trying to reach out, maybe, but he can’t hear anything over his pounding heart, can’t focus to see how they have reacted, just needs to get into a ball, on the floor, where he belongs.

He tucks face into his knees. Tries to slow his breathing amidst the panic. He needs to let them know how sorry he is. He takes another breath, steeling himself to uncurl, to face them. It’s enough for him to begin to process what’s happening around him a little more. Mike is talking to him, his voice soft and concerned. He tries to focus on the words.

“...alright, sweetheart. Try to take some nice deep breaths, you’re okay. You’ve been so good for us, thank you for letting us know you needed to stop.” Mike’s voice is soothing, slow, calm.

He forces himself to open his eyes, raise his head. Mike is kneeling in front of him. He doesn’t look angry, just worried. When Ben makes eye contact he smiles and reaches out a hand, inviting but not demanding contact. Ben really wants that, to be able to relax into Mikes touch and be soothed, but he knows he doesn’t deserve it. He turns his head to look at James.

James doesn’t seem angry either, his eyes are soft and his voice quiet as he simply says “It’s okay, Ben. Can we touch you?”

Ben nods a little shakily, and lets Mike put an arm around him, James’ hand gently brushing over his hair. He guiltily enjoys the contact for a few moments, before blurting out “Sorry. I’m sorry.”

Mike sighs “Why are you sorry?” he asks gently.

“I should have… you were enjoying it and I ruined it.”

Mike pauses a moment before responding “Ben, it’s okay to stop if you’re not enjoying it. We want you to tell us when you want to stop, it was good that you told us, I promise”.

Ben bites his lip. Mike seems sincere, and some part of him knows he’s being irrational, and that makes it worse, that now not only he has made them stop but he’s forcing them to reassure him and deal with his nonsense. He needs to stop, to shake this off and stop worrying them.

His heart is racing again a little and its hard to think. His train of thought is interrupted by James sliding his hand down from Ben’s hair to cup his cheek. Once he has captured Ben’s attention, he murmurs “We don’t have to talk about this now if you don’t want to. We want to look after you though, will you let us?”

Ben nods, helpless to give any other response. He knows they are still worried and wishes he could reassure them, but he still feels so overwhelmed, passively obeying is as much as he can manage.

Together Mike and James coax Ben onto his feet, supporting him between them, and before he knows it he is about to step into a shower, Mike encouraging him “You’ll feel better once you’re nice and clean, sweetheart”.

He feels confused, this affection and care is meant to be for when he takes what they give him, he doesn't understand why they are spoiling him when he couldn't even do what they asked. He doesn't deserve it. Mike is carefully washing away the marks on his body and it’s all just too much and he lets himself lean more against Mike as the water runs over them, a tension he didn’t even know was present finally uncoiling and he’s crying against Mike’s shoulder.

“Oh Ben” Mike murmurs, holding him up so gently and just stroking his back until his sobs subside.

Ben’s not quite sure where James is or when he left. He’s not in the shower with them but he knows from experience it is quite a squeeze for all three of them to fit. He thinks he’s lost track of things somehow. Mike notices him beginning to look around restlessly and assures him “James is just getting some clean clothes for us, he’ll be back at a moment.”

It’s embarrassing how reassuring that is.

By the time Mike has guided him out of the shower, James reappears and takes over drying Ben with a fluffy towel, taking extra time massaging Ben’s scalp as he towels his hair. He feels warm from the shower and from being wrapped in the towel, and although he feels exhausted and a bit numb, he no longer feels like he needs to run away and hide. He lets them dress him, unresisting, and when Mike presses a kiss to his cheek he leans into the touch. He manages to smile a little at James when James puts an arm around him to guide him from the bathroom. He is rewarded by the brightening of their expressions, the relaxing of their shoulders from the tension they were trying to hide.

They guide him over the sofa, and he sits comfortably between them, letting them cuddle him close, and stroke his hair, and massage his shoulders, while they tell him how pleased they are with him. He lets himself have this, knowing that regardless of whether he deserves it, this is what they want him to have, and that’s the most reassuring thing of all.

He knows this can’t last forever. At some point they’ll have to discuss what happened, and they’ll try to convince him that somehow this wasn’t his fault, that somehow they hold some responsibility for him getting irrationally upset. But for now he pushes that concern away. Even if it can’t last forever, he’s happy to spend as long as possible like this, surrounded by their love and care.


End file.
